This topic is explosive and if we are honest most don’t believe it happens often; meaning that many are waiting and not having sex before marriage.

What is my take?  An honest one.

For most, waiting is a spiritual or religious issue and the Bible speaks against fornication. If a person goal is to stay connected to their faith, they will or should strive and restrain from having sex out of wedlock. Are they doing it is a question no one really knows.

First as I often say:  “belief is powerful and anything that we believe our brain seeks to find evidence to support that belief.”  That said, there are a host of celibacy support groups on Facebook and twitter encouraging people to wait on marriage before having sex and showing couple who did wait e.g. celebrities. I support these groups and their goal.

I have to be honest about what I see because NO one has true numbers on this subject. It is really a guessing game. What I did do was surveyed thousands and spoken with hundreds of men and found that the number were extremely low in the group studied.

One waiting site studies said that only 3% of Americans have successfully waited to have sex before marriage.  Out of that group 60% are women and 40% are men. If you go under 25 it is about 11% but the ratio of men and women is higher about 70% to 30%. What do these numbers tell us? That there is a tremendous shortage of men NOT waiting and people in the church are not waiting as some believe.

This post is not about telling you want to do, preach to you about what is right or wrong. It is designed to offer some suggestions if you are waiting.

DO NOT HAVE ANY ATTACHMENTS TO MARRIAGE if you are waiting!  

This means that if you are NOT having sex before marriage, maintain your standards but at the same time detached yourself to the result of this stand. Do not look for support to provide you evidence of those who did get married and they waited. Stop going to website searching for this evidence of those who had success. These support groups should be more about encouraging you to maintain your walk and providing relationship skills while waiting to their members. Instead of pushing an agenda of sharing those that waited and are successfully married. This is providing you to be more attachment to the outcome in my opinion.

You can and will become discourage if you become attached to the outcome of marriage. I know women approaching 40 and are still waiting to be married and have no kids. Many have friends that did NOT wait but are now married with children. The question is, was it because they did not wait? I Just don’t know and NOT looking for any evidence.

But guess who often ask me for dating advice or desperately seeking help?  Women in their late 30 or early 40s who have waited and waited and now leaving the church discourage, frustrated, resentful and even angry.

Do you want to know what was my response to their situation?

•  Why where you waiting?
• To serve God’s principle or did you falsely believe that you were entitled to a husband because you waited?

Wait because this is YOUR standard. If you get married great if you don’t it wasn’t for you. It should be that simple with any frustrations or resentment. God did NOT let you down; you let yourself by being attach to something that he never promised.

This may NOT be what you wanted to hear but it is honest.

Most good guys understand when a woman has been hurt in life or in previous relationships that she usually will have some issues. Because these guys are nice and seek to help, they get involved in a relationship with a woman hoping to make her believe that he is different and can be trusted.

It is really like a challenge to him to prove himself worthy. However, he finds himself tormented and frustrated within that relationship in the end.

What’s a good guy to do?  He doesn’t want to hurt you but he is trapped in a never-ending cycle of drama because his woman has TRUST ISSUES and it is NOT his fault.

• He feels he can NEVER win
• He feels he has to prove himself over and over again.
• He is often frustrated
• He feels trapped without any freedom
• He loses his personality because who he was, was sapped out because of his woman trust issues.
• His start having health issues because of the stress of the relationship.

Now with the above symptoms of trust issues, how can a man be happy in a relationship? Why would he want to stay? Why does it seem like he planning his escape or so distant because he feels stuck?

Here is A Hard Truth: You will never be satisfied or happy in a relationship if you have so-called trust issues. PERIOD!

For some reason, this has become a new buzz phrase in relationships nowadays and it has to stop.

• It is NOT cute.
• It is NOT an excuse for you to act out.
• It does not explain why you tripped out about small things.
• It is NOT a good reason to create an environment where your man is constantly proving himself.

When you get to the core of trust issues but is actually more about CONTROL!  Yes, being controlling. Trying to create an environment that you are absolutely certain of how thing should go or work out. You have to get things go YOUR WAY to feel safe.

• If you had a bad childhood or bad father get healed before getting into a relationship.
• If you have been in an abusive relationship get healed before starting a new one.
• If you have been in a bad relationship or cheated on get healed before you start a new one.
• If you have been hurt in your current relationship, get on a healing program before you create the condition in your home for your man to have the above symptoms.
• If you are like this now and in a relationship. Make it your number one priority to share these symptoms with your man and say. I do not want this to happen to you. I am getting heal so that we can be fully happy.

 Message: Saying you have trust issues is NOT a safe phrase. It’s a sign that you about to sabotage relationship. Yes men have trust issue too but it has been my experience that they don’t ever say the words.

• Do you hear this from your mate?
• Do you say this to your mate?

First there are some who can NOT get enough sex and seems to stress their mate with their NEVER dwindling sex drive– meaning that they can NEVER be satisfied. This can be a huge problem. However, if your mate is always ready, it doesn’t mean that there is an issue because there is NO pressure. They are just ready when you are.  If your mate constantly nags you even after having sex a few hours ago; then there may be some psychological issues surrounding sex with them that should be addressed.

That said……..

For the record, people usually focus on what needs are lacking in their life and relationship e.g. not enough sex, not feeling important in a relationship, not being enough…once those needs are satisfied, usually they will change their focus.

The NUMBER ONE COMPLAINT I receive from mostly married men is: “I DO NOT GET ENOUGH SEX!”

It has been my experience when dealing with this issue that some women are dropping the ball when it comes to sex with their man. I constantly hear on their side:

• He focuses on sex too much…
• I need more love and commitment from him…
• Where is the romance? He used to be romantic….
• If he helps me around the house or with the children I’ll give him more sex
• Every-time I want to cuddle he wants sex… (if he is not getting enough this is why)
• Men want sex too much and will do it anyway regardless to what I do….

Most of these excuses are limiting beliefs and invisible sabotagers that are destroying relationships.

I have to be honest. I’ve found that SOME women use sex as a way to CONTROL their relationship. This is dangerous and a disaster waiting to happen. However I’m not against bargaining or compromising to get more sex. For example, if you need more help, give your man a task and he will do it knowing that more sex is coming. I don’t believe most men have a problem with that as long as he can see how this could help you and him in the process.

But know this: Every person has a recipe that triggers a loving response from them; they are human needs and rules. Many call them love languages. Most men primarily love language is usually physical touch. YES, SEX! Therefore if you are trying to control him with what triggers his love towards you is simply a recipe to lose that man if not literally, but emotionally. Just make sure that you do NOT play with the way he feels love e.g. physical touch.  Also please understand that once or twice a week is NOT enough sex for most men; three times per week is average. If he needs it more than three times; it’s Ok to compromise for more. Maybe he can help around the house to increase that number. Again, you should keep in mind that you should NEVER play around with your man desires to feel loved by you.

Message: Ladies I understand that being in the mood is not always easy when so much is going on around you e.g. the kids, work….. Your man should be your ally—your person and go-to guy especially in times of stress.  A sexually frustrated man can NOT be an effective listener, or provide you the emotional support you need. Love him, sex him up and watch how much more he will give you the love and attention you need right back.

Are you:

1. Wearing masks? Pretending to be something that you are not or maybe faking it until you make it?
2. Making claims or exaggerating facts? You are doing it to the extent that you are missing out on a quality mate or friend because of your fear of being exposed as a fraud even when it didn’t matter in the first place?
3. Screaming at your peers or anyone to:  Look AT ME? Spending your time thinking on ways to out shine others e.g. spending money you don’t have to buy the biggest house, latest fashion, car or anything that can make you appear to be prosperous because you actually feel inadequate?
4. AFRAID? You are so afraid of being hurt that you try to control everything in your life at the same time creating the condition not suitable for a mate or running love ones away?
5. False Blame? Look for reasons why it is everyone else’s fault of why things didn’t work out?
6. It’s God? Hiding behind your love for God and the church to make yourself feel better or safe about NOT being where you want to be in life? Saying something like: “This is NOT God’s plan for me right now.” But the truth is that you are either afraid or just don’t know what to do.

The way you are showing up in life is on display for others to see. Often it is NOT how you really are to the core. Are you pretending?  Maybe you are NOT as together as you think you are. You may NOT be as emotionally sound or strong as you think you are.  You may just be pretending to be where you are because it feels safe.

Where you are in life and where you want to be is called a “GAP” and it is up to YOU to fill in how to get where you desire; NOT hiding behind God and some scripture you found to feel good about your failures. NOT blaming it on your parents, childhood or others.

Take a look in the mirror and the person reflecting back to you is responsible for filling in the GAPs to show up in life with a constant, never-ending improvement attitude. It is up to YOU and NO ONE ELSE!

The relationship with yourself and others will never match what your want if you are pretending.

 This message is for YOU!!!!

Ladies, never, never, ever, embarrass a man in public, especially in front of his family or friends.

I know you will say: “Don’t embarrass me either” and will say, yes you are right. But you see, when women call, or email me about how to resolve this issue–there is NOTHING I can say or technique I can provide to rectify this problem with a man. There is JUST no getting over this with him; I’m sorry will NOT work.

Even if he’s a man of God and understands that he must make sacrifices he will NOT be the same with that woman. This is a sure way of getting rid of a man and to have him to leave to never speak to you again.

So brace yourself if you want to explode on him in public and think long and hard if you want him to stay. Because afterwards, he will be planning his escape even if he hasn’t left yet. There may be a guy who will stay but he will be the exception, NOT the rule. Do you want see your man change? Make THAT mistake.

Forensic artist draws how women see themselves. How Do you See yourself?

Ladies, there is a trend going on in the dating scene. There are guys that seem to really have it together, or maybe they do, luxury ride, beautiful home, have an advanced degree, professional or maybe even has status.

If you are younger, he will be driving an awesome ride, top of the line clothing, awesome watch and looks like he is getting paid. He will be doing it up that day. He takes you home, ride you around in that car or maybe in a limo, takes you around this seemingly social lifestyle and you can see yourself living this life and with this guy. He is a dream come true. If you are younger, it will seem like a reality TV type of thing for you.

You say to yourself “waiting for the man with my standards is worth it!”, “He got money and I’m going to be VIP all day long.” “He can hook me up.”

If you are younger he will be with you all that day, he will hit it that night. If you are older, he is smart and court you over a weekend and you WILL sleep with him that weekend because you think to yourself,” I got to keep this guy happy “ , “This is what I wanted, to feel special, and with the type of man I’m supposed to have, one of my dreams.”

The following week, you don’t hear from him, “Well of course, he is a busy guy and must take care of his business” is what you think or say to yourself. He will maybe text you later in the week and when he has the urge, he will set another date, this time less expensive and get the works from you sexually. After all, this guy will have women all over him and you need to secure your position.

Ladies, this is a game! I see this all the time with some guys in demand or LOOK like they are in demand and are having their cake and eating it too and at your expense. I get these calls or emails from women telling me: “Phil, I feel some kind of way, I feel used”, what do you think?” Well I usually share that this is a trend. Guys that know that if they look the part, they can hit it with just about anyone without giving you NOTHING in return. If he looks like he got it, you will let down your standards. If he does truly have it, he knows that if you don’t give it to him, he’ll find someone that will.

These guys know that you will sleep with him fast. He knows that he will NOT have to spend much money to do it. He knows that young women will give it up just for having the visual of success.

DO NOT BE HIS NEXT VICTIM! Any quality man will respect your standards and appreciate your values. He will know that what he appears to have is superficial to YOU and has NOTHING to do with what type of man he can be in your life.

Stop chasing that reality TV show dream and create the conditions in your love life to be and feel loved by a man that will give you the best of his love. Not a game!

Jealousy can be a good warning emotion if healthy. It is designed to alert you of intruders to take care of your relationship. It’s a protective emotion. However, a lot or too much of it will destroy relationships.

You see, if jealousy is about you comparing yourself to another person, this is unhealthy. You have to believe that regardless to anyone, you are unique and there is only one of you PERIOD. Most of the time, it is more about what you feel you are NOT and what you believe others want in a mate. When a person says, “I’m not jealous of them”, and begin to sell themselves by expressing all of their qualities, they are still comparing. It is more about a mindset than expressed words. You should be authentic in what you are feeling and have the ability protect your relationship while expressing concerns to your mate. HOWEVER, make sure it based on reality and not something you think is happening. Just be careful, but unhealthy jealousy can creep up at any time.

As this picture to the left depicts,  if a woman is stepping to your man, you have the right to protect your relationship by setting those boundaries and getting her straight, that healthy jealousy. If you are thinking anything else about another woman or man and comparing, that’s unhealthy jealousy.

There is a concerted effort by forces unknown to discourage Black women into thinking that there are NOT any good Black men. I say BULL!!!!!!!!! This frustrates me more than anything!!

Do not buy into this 3 men to 100 women as some describe. It is actually about 3:2 that are marriageable quality. You see when studies provide stats e.g. men going to prison, gays…they never address the numbers of women in the same situation or other scenarios e.g. prostitution and those on drugs that’s not in that pool. They do not reduce the amount. It will always remain 100 in their study and they will be counted as available to marry. Quality black men will not go for that either.

The issue is what they define as a good black man. You see going to jail will NOT eliminate a man as not being of quality; especially if he went in very young. Most of the black men who went to jail or in jail are based on them trying to earn living selling drugs. Not violent crime. I’m not down playing it but many come out of great two-parent’s middle-class homes. Young boys do dumb things and I have to admit, that black men are more than likely to serve time for their dumb wrong doings.

My sister husband went to jail when he was young and has been awesome and finished college. My cousin spent 5 years in jail for selling drugs and now married, raising his daughter and earning an excellent living. He came out of a middle-class home. His wife shared how blessed she was to find him.

So ladies, don’t buy into it!!! This is a trap to keep you discouraged. I wish I had a dollar for every white woman who writes me or I’ve coached to say “Phil, where are the good men?” When on national coaching calls 99% of the participants are mainly white women seeking to gain knowledge on attracting men.

I know this may not seem true, but there is NOT a shortest of good Black men. However, if you believe this, it WILL be your reality. It is more about being proactive and having the necessary skills to have the men you want to approach you. That good black man it right in front of you, but you can’t see him because of the cloud of perception and misunderstanding affecting your vision. THERE ARE TONS OF GOOD BLACK MEN, you just have to be the woman he is looking for or understand the fact that your version of a good black man usually is not coming. I’m not referring to settling either. You will discover that the guy you will eventually pick is a better fit for your life. He will be someone that you probably have NOT considered in the past. eg. A little bit older, younger, shorter, carry a little more weight as expected among other superficial things.

One more thing, black men were hit extremely hard during this economic crisis. Do not overlook an unemployed man at first glance. You want to see what he has done in the past. He may be that great fit and will land on his feet. I’m not saying that you should provide financial assistant, but don’t reject him. You must understand that there are former upper management guys that are Black and currently unemployed. Don’t count him out because these are the types that will bounce back.

I wonder how many homes or relationships are currently or have already broken up because of events surrounding the playoff games these last few weeks. I would say many. I get so many of these emails that states: “I felt that the football playoffs game was more important than me.” “Let that football game keep him warm at night.” To me is it a travesty to allow something like this to break up a relationship.

Men into sports, especially if they love Football, are NOT in their right minds when a huge game is on. It’s like a kid excited about Christmas, or anticipating going to Disney world. Try taking some candy from a kid or their toy! You can get a tantrum and your man will explode too. Also men like to watch the post-game stuff too so just because the game is over doesn’t mean you have him back just yet.

Give him some slack. Yes, he must do his part, but be supportive of this moment and only bring pressing or extremely important things to his attention. Not things that you want him to do but things that MUST be done because there are consequences affecting the family. Having consequences for him because you need to talk is unfair and you will not have his focus.

Just because you feel it is important don’t mean that it really is the case. Think before you interrupt his excitement and outlet. Try to understand that you may NOT get the attention you desire during this time and NO– football is NOT more important than you. Allow him those sport moments and he would love you more for allowing him this outlet.

When the season is over and I mean the Super Bowl; say to him I’ve allowed you all the time you need to watch football and the season is now over. Welcome back. Then give him a list of things that has been piling up : -) He will gladly do them because he will NOT know what to do with himself these next few weekends. So get your list together right-a-way.

Don’t allow sports to interfere with your relationship. You can have both him and the sports he loves so much. Maybe watch them with him. I know so many women that are just as much into sports than some men. My wife is one who wakes up turning to sports center in the morning, so I’m lucky or I prefer to say blessed!