He goes limp during sex and I feel blamed!
He goes limp during sex and blames me!
He can’t get it up and my self-esteem is crushed.

These are some of the comments I often get from women and it is heartfelt.

First, we all know that there are medical reasons why a man can go limp or not get it up. The simple answer is to go to the doctor to resolve this. Again, it should be just that simple. But why won’t a guy go to the doctor about this? Let me share a few reasons.

If a man goes limp and he is getting hard when you are not around (not cheating) but getting aroused, something else is going on. This is the main reason why MOST men will NOT go to the doctor; he is getting hard and aroused and YOU are not around. So he believes that NOTHING is wrong with him. I’ve heard this so many times that it is crazy. But he will NOT say anything about it. Why? He does not want to be accused of cheating or not wanting you.

Ladies, a man going limp during sex is major to him and it SHOULD be more about communications than blame. However, when it comes to sex, everyone seems too sensitive to discuss one of the major reasons why relationships breaks-up and validation cheating starts. I always say that a man’s essence of being and feeling like a man is tied to how hard of an erection he can get. So yes, it must be handled delicately when it comes to his ability or inability to get it up and stay up.

Is it possible for you to discuss this matter with candor and without hurt feelings? Yes but let’s consider a few things in this part 1 section.

1. Erection Time-Frame. Some guys even in their 30s but especially older ones could have a rock-hard erection that may last up to 30 minutes when aroused. But, if you require foreplay to get YOU ready, it means that he has to put in work. For some guys it means that you were not ready when he is and you did not desire him when was aroused desiring you. Many would go limp during the foreplay or putting in the work process. He would often get angry because in his mind, his hard-on earlier could have pleased you. But he had to put in work to get you ready and it went away. Something could change for him mentally and he could go limp e.g. “She’s never ready…Why do I have to put in all of this work…..” Please understand this: There has to be communication and compromises to discuss this issue with candor.

2. Sexual Position: Your desired position for maximum pleasure can cause him to go limp. Example: Do you like to be on top? Men can go limp in that position at times. It takes a rock-hard erection if a woman wants to be on top otherwise, he would want to turn you over to get it back hard again because men hate losing their erection. Changing position is the key here.

Guys reading this know that if his erection is not rock-hard, his woman won’t be able to be on top without it going limp. However, it doesn’t means that he can NOT make it work from a different position. This again is where communication has to take place. Because we have two issues here: You get your maximum pleasure being on top and he knows this but he wants to stay hard and also know that it can’t stay hard in that position all the time. You may have to change it up a bit, to get him really aroused so that you can get back in the position you desire for maximum pleasure.

I will have a part two for others issues I’ve discovered.

Women ask me this question practically every day. I will address it now. You see, I’ve conduct research on hundreds of family men, including religious men who have cheated and wanted to get some perspective. There are two parts to read and a link is provided to the other article. You may disagree with the findings but I’m only reporting what I like to refer to as heartfelt responses to cheating. Keep in mind that there are guys who will cheat no matter what you do and none of those guys were in this research. These guys were genuinely disturbed, and seems to really love their wives but cheated anyway. Why did they risk it all?

I noticed a major pattern or common denominators.

First, a major way that most men validate themselves is via sex, their performances and a woman’s response. The psychology around this phenomenon even when they love their wives is the paramount when understanding why a family man or live-in boyfriend may cheat.

Second, I’ve also discovered that the majority of men who do not seem to validate themselves via sex are the ones cheated on often when their wives really love them. Yes, lack of attention could make a woman cheat but men who don’t see sex as a major factor, I found are often cheated on by their wives. Also some men have a low libido and this can be frustrating to women desiring more sex. I’ve found that in most of these cases it was health related e.g. meds or low testosterone levels. If you are doing the things below, look in the areas mentioned to discuss ways to resolve those problems.

So, here it is and why these men cheated based on their responses:

• If he thinks that sex seems like a chore to his woman.
• Sex is placed on a schedule because of the kids…..
• Lack of sex.
• Lack of sexual stimulation. (key to poor erections especially to older men)
• If she does not initiate sex.
• If he does not get a reaction out of her sexually, (he may feel it’s not enough  for you).
• If he doesn’t feel his penis is big to her or perfect for her.
• If he is not able to make his woman have an orgasm via penetration.
• if she is not making him believe that his penis is the king of pleasuring,
• Religious guys also had suppressed sexual appetite unmet.
• The after sex urge of wanting more (see other article link at the bottom for more info).

You are in risk of a man cheating because he is NOT being validated.

The tone was not about bashing their wives or girlfriend but their actual feelings that may have been suppressed because he knew she was a good woman. You see ladies, it didn’t matter if you work; was busy dealing with the kids and all of the things you do as a super mom. He saw that and loves you for it. However, understanding and loving you for this is just compartmentalized. Sex is in a different department in his brain. He recognizes all that you do—sympathize while feeling guilty that he really needs you to still validate him sexually. If the opportunity arises, he will be weak and possibility  may get his validation.

He understands and knows all of the rules or guidelines about how to get more sex from his wife or girlfriend. How to create the attraction necessary for her to want to sleep with him and he will do those things. But he wants her to stimulate him by really wanting it and he does not want to continue doing that romance thing all the time if he is protecting and providing for his family. He wants a quickie to take the edge off sometimes before work; he does NOT want to have to put in much work e.g. romantic duties to get you ready for sex all the times. He wants her to desire his penis badly.  He wants her to think it’s big.  He deserves to be validated in his mind on a subconscious level. If he’s not getting that and the opportunity arises, he could get his validation elsewhere.

Every guy that cheated in my research all had the same common denominators: The other woman validated and stimulated him by realllllllllllly wanted him sexually because she was ready with usually NO romance work.  She would practically beg to see him so she could have his penis. She wasn’t prettier, smarter, had a better body, nor did she in any way measured up to the quality of his wife or girlfriend in his mind. She only just totally validated him sexually and because this was missing in his relationship, his lower head took the wheel from his upper head and jeopardized his relationship.

For the record, men are visual and some of those guys did cheat because his woman let herself go in the appearance area but he NEVER cheated simply because she picked up weight having his kids as most women believes. The letting herself go was the key.

This was my discovery and their answers. You can accepted or or not but if you are NOT validating your man, don’t act like you want him sexually, you are in risk of getting cheated on because he greatly need his penis to be desired. Note: Some guys won’t cheat sexually due to values, but they will emotionally cheated by NOT hardly coming home and stay married to their work, church or ministry rather than cheating with a woman; either way, he stays where he is validated. However, it may not stay that way over a longer period. This is usually how he is able to connect with another woman and divorce you for her.

But there is one more thing you must consider and this is a separate article called Powerful Erection! Read this because even if you validate your man, he may need more sex and I’ll tell you why.

Ladies, the holiday season is here and it should give you a strong indication of where you stand with a man. Many guys get upset but I have to tell the truth.

Exemption: If you are just friends with benefits, then you know that you should NOT expect anything away. But why be in this type of relationship? If you are expecting things but not saying anything,  then you are fooling yourself about what you really want.

NEWSFLASH: If he will NOT spend time with you on that day, he doesn’t think much of the relationship. If he is not making plans to be with you even if the word “holiday” is mentioned, he is not thinking much about where he see this relationship in the future.

ONLY EXCEPTIONS: He travels to family doing holidays and has lack of resources, but…this can be a weak excuse. ALSO WATCH OUT, because this could be used as a lie too.

Most women do NOT know where they stand in a relationship or KNOW their status. “What are we?” “What should I call myself?” Well, this is YOUR fault for continuing such a relationship and sleeping with him. If you have a vague relationship, don’t expect too much in the future. Demand to be claimed if you are giving up the goodies.

Here are some Excuses:

• I’m married but haven’t told you yet.
• I’m in a relationship with another woman but haven’t told you yet.
• He makes plans with you but his car breaks down or some type of emergency. (You should follow-up to make sure).
• He will pick a fight to have an excuse why he didn’t come around.
• I don’t celebrate holidays. (make certain of this) Also if you do, it may not be a good fit anyway.
• I have to be with my kids.
• I have to work.
• I’m private and don’t won’t folks knowing my business.
• My friends always checking folks and I don’t want to subject you to this.
• I don’t want anyone to know we are together JUST YET, but I love you.
• My family don’t like it when I bring people around unless they know we are about to be married.
• My family is very religious and I can’t bring you around.
• My family is not too friendly.
• I don’t like being around my family and want to leave as quick as possible but I have to stay.
• My baby mama or ex “be trippin” all the time. They always take me to court if they see me with someone. I don’t want to create problems.
• I’m save, but I get weak in my flesh sometimes. So I don’t want to give anyone indication that we are together (but yall having sex or playing around at times.) Don’t fall for it.

For the record: Some women make the same excuses too.

If a man is into you, he WILL want YOU to be with HIM and he will want you around every chance he gets. Case CLOSED! If he is UNSURE, he will NOT want you around during holidays. If he Don’t really like you, he will NOT want you around during the holidays.

Now let me share something with you, I’ve made those excuses before in my not so enlighten dating days so I know the game!!

Again, Some guys get mad about this list. Guess what? 100% of guys in my cases, I’ve approached or researched about holidays NEVER MARRIED a woman that he never took around or spend time with during holidays nor did he EVER claimed her! Don’t buy into those excuses!!!

Some guys just don’t want to tell you the truth or maybe on the fence about you. It doesn’t means he is bad, just don’t give him more than he is giving you (sex) Have him be honest with you.

You MUST have standards to NOT be HIDDEN upfront. He must claim you if is going to be with you and sleep with you. NO EXCEPTIONS!

Why he keeps you around? To validate himself, Sex or because he gets lonely and wants company. Why he gets jealous regarding you, because it validate him and men are territorial.

“But Phil, If I demand this he will run away.” You never had him if he does not claim you.

DON’T FALL FOR THIS DURING THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!

The worst thing you can do to a person in a relationship is to continue to bring up or accuse them of doing something when they have changed. It is called characterization. This person cannot break out of character in your eyes.

• They cheated before and now always seen as a cheater to you.
• They mistreated you before but now always accused of mistreating you all the time.
• They were caught in a lie but you always think they are lying.
• They said something to hurt you but you never will let that go.
• They were immature at one point but now have grown but you still see them in that immature way.

If you want to have a successfully relationship, you must learn to see your mate with fresh eyes. See where they have made changes and give it to them. Notice these changes, accept them and allow your relationship to grow.

If you are arguing about the same things, my question is this: Are you seeing this person with fresh eyes? Have they changed? Will you allow them to change or grow?

Today’s Message: Allow room for change and growth with your mate. See them with fresh eyes and watch how this will change your relationships. He/she is not a cheater anymore. They do not lie anymore, they are sorry for what they said, so LET IT GO, they have grown since the last time. Having Fresh Eyes is the key.

That’s probably one of the number one question women asked me in the beginning of many coaching sessions. The answer may be surprising because “YES, It is you.” Don’t get me wrong, and NO I’m not picking on you. But it is through your personal lens that you give events meaning based on your model of the world. The next question, is Why do I keep attracting that same losers in my life, how I keep doing this and what’s the matter with me?

If you believe that most men are dogs, emotionally unavailable, won’t commit, full of sh** (I hear that a lot), lie all-the-time, bipolar, narcissist, cheap, cheat, sociopath among other things. Then yes, it is you and there is something wrong with you. Thinking that is a sure way to never find the right one. Also, YES there are men like that and please know that it is them and something is wrong with them too. It’s simple, most want someone who sees the world exactly as they do and play by their rules in order for them to be happy. It’s usually not what they say but by their actions. Then they feel it’s possible to find and keep that special person in their life. It is just not that easy and does not work.

Here is something important Ladies. You must lose this fear of failure, the fear of being alone and the fear of those who point the fingers and say “she can’t get or keep a man.” or “Why won’t he marry her.” Just know that the worst thing in the world is to be in a relationship with a person that does not share your major values. You don’t need all your values met but just the main ones. You deserve to have that in your life and should never make excuses as to why he is not there. It’s Ok to say, “Not yet, but I’m still hopeful.” Too many women have a man and are miserable, but to them it better than NOT being alone. Here is a NEWSFLASH: They are killing themselves with elevated cortisol in their bloodstreams. It’s called stress! And if you are worrying about the “is it me” syndrome, you are killing yourself too. Here are the symptoms: Blood sugar and pressure issues, abdominal fat, cognitive performance issues, bone density issues and thyroid problems. Your life is worth a better pick or you getting out of a bad pick.

Just know that you can become attracted to any guy especially if the chemistry is there. That’s easy. But you must get extremely clear in ADVANCE about what you must have before you become hypnotize by a man’s charm? Before those neuron-bonding-agents kick in and makes your body says YES and you are dancing all around thinking he’s the one and at the top of the ceiling in love. Then later you discover that you made a huge mistake because this man is nothing like you perceived and he is not aligned with your main values or your “can live withs”. When I say do it in advance; you cannot do this in your head either, you must write it down. You cannot put it on God just to make yourself feel good about your choice or lack of choices. Also know that dating is NOT in the Bible because marriages were arranged back in those days. So what gives? Take some actions and get ready.

Here is your homework: Get clear of your “must haves” and “can live withs.” Just know that your needs and values will change over the years so think in terms of what would last for years instead of just right now. Know that good looks and muscles could turn to not so cute anymore and fat. Then check to see if the available men on that list don’t weed out 99% of the male pool. I see this all the time. Otherwise, it could be a long wait or won’t happen. Creating a “can live with” list is best.

Get some mandatory relationship skills and some help in clearing negative beliefs or emotions. All of this can cost you the price of a complete outfit including accessories from Macy’s with a coach; A huge return on investment for lifetime of skills. Next you must find the good in every man that you meet. NEVER look or presume the worst of a man’s intentions on approach because you will always lose and he will bounce. With this information and the right spirit, watch God work for you. It IS YOU that must do these things to find and have a successful relationship.

“Your cell phone could stop quality men from approaching you. Good men are not rude and will NOT interrupt you! While you are engaging someone via text of phone with small talk, a quality single man around with interests will simply respect that space and NOT approach you. Live in the present NOT in cellphone land. It could make a difference.”

I am a people watcher and notice behavior everywhere and it seems that so many people are engaged on their cell phone while shopping and every place. Recently at the store, I noticed this man looking at this woman with interests. He was really checking her out and going up and down the aisles seemingly looking for an opportunity to maybe approach her, but she was engaged on her cell phone.

Those who know me understand that I will engage anyone in a conversation anywhere. To my amazement, this woman who was on her phone ended up behind me in a fairly long checkout line. I approached her and introduced myself and told her what I do. During our conversation, I discovered that she was single and looking. Then she said that men seem to be intimidated by her and most won’t approach her.

I began to share my observations about how much she engages on her cell phone.

This caught her attention; and she sad “REALLY” I said yes and told her that this well dressed guy took noticed of her and went up and down the aisles and I felt that he was looking for an opportunity to maybe approach her but she was engaged on her cell phone. She said “Where is he” then said, “OMG, I saw him and thought he was cute.” She started looking all around trying to see if she could spot him but apparently he left already.

The message is clear: Prepare to be engaged. What is meant to be is based on your preparation. Opportunities will be everywhere for many simply are NOT prepared to take advantage of them because of UNIMPORTANT obstacles. When in public, single and looking, keep your cell phone interactions to a minimum because that great guy could be there waiting for his queen but if you are engaged on that phone, he will NOT be rude enough to interrupt you.